Friends Are Just Like Family In That They Drive You Crazy
And Everyone's Feelings Get Hurt
04 Feb 09
And also, in my case anyway, you love them. Because I was crazy for so very much of my life - no really, crazy- it was hard to stay close to people. Friends came, and went, or I went, and another year or ten passed. Now that I'm less crazy this still happens but less so. I'm trying to make it less so, at any rate. I'm working hard to keep people in my life (just friends, mind you, not to be confused with manfriends. Manfriends I still choose TERRIBLY, these very-nice-but-lukewarm shells of people who do like having teh sex but not so much with the rest- calling, hand-holding, investing themselves emotionally in yours truly beyond a sort of repository for their angst, struggles, dilemmas and protracted wrangling with ex girlfriends. I offer kind advice sometimes, I suppose, so the manfriends aren't to blame other than being sort of self-absorbed and tedious, which, okay, is their fault but it's mine for sticking around longer than thirty-seven seconds. So I've stopped all that for the time being).
Working at maintaining friendships is a giant pain in the ass, and means that I'm vulnerable, they're vulnerable, everybody's fucking vulnerable. We have to return calls and follow through on plans (ugh) and be and remain interested and involved in each others' lives. Much harder than I anticipated. Because I'm mostly a milquetoast kind of friend, one who supports and listens (because I fear conflict, and don't like being yelled at. Or yelling. Mostly), it's rare that I offend the sensibilities of my small bevy of sweetpeas. Ie, I don't make people mad very often. I'm not much of a hurter of feelings, you know?
But this week I did. And it's interesting. I'm all a-dither that I inadvertently wounded someone (albeit in a small way. I didn't spill anyone's beans or say anything cruel to anyone or drop their infant on the stove. I just bailed on a tentative thing that someone had [unbeknownst to me] a lot invested in and in the process hurt his feelings). I'm near frantic lest the hurt remain. Lest the friendship be at risk.
It's very strange, this new bond I feel with those I love. It's far more fragile than I ever thought.